The silent ones

If you’ve followed me on the gram you would have known we had been trying for a baby. It took us 3 months to fall pregnant. We found out when we were 3 weeks plus 4 days. Really early I know. We were eager. And my periods were always on time so I knew when I could take a test.

The second line, that indicated pregnancy was really faint. I remembered with Milo it was the same. I had taken the test whilst M went to collect Milo from school. I really wanted my (what I thought would be my last) announcement to him to be picturesque like I’d seen on Instagram but I couldn’t wait for him to return let alone go down to card factory to get some balloons blown up to announce the pregnancy to him.

I commend you people who can wait for special events like fathers day and birthdays to announce pregnancies to partners. I simply messaged Miles an image of the wee-e pregnancy stick “Is that two lines?”.

After a few more tests in the coming days, it was confirmed we were definitely pregnant. I did all the things you need to do. Hospital referrals, downloaded the pregnancy app again, researched what I couldn’t eat anymore, thought about all of the events I had coming up (hen do’s, weddings and so forth).

Miles and I were very excited. We began to look at new cars as my four seater A1 was no longer going to cut it. We joked about having twins. We started to plan events such as my 30th next year of which we want to go away for and whilst researching we was inputting 3 children instead of 2. We thought about our house move. Thought about Oscar becoming the middle child. Knew Milo was going to be really happy.

I started to get pregnancy symptoms. Really sore boobs and breastfed like nipples. I started to have food eversions. I hated capers of which I previously devoured before. I could not stand the sight of a gherkin and I started to love cardboard-like cereal. I experienced extreme tiredness, like I had not had before in any other pregnancy. But I was ok with it all. In my head it meant my pregnancy was going well and all of the above was expected, I embraced it all. Following our midwife appointment they told us the baby would be due around my birthday of which I loved. Milo is born on his Grandma’s birthday and Oscar is born on my brothers and uncles birthday so I was convinced this baby would be born on mine. Kind of like an unexpected tradition in our family.

I never had before, but I really wanted to have an early pregnancy scan. Not entirely sure why. Possibly because we were meant to be travelling on an aeroplane around our safe period date ‘ 12 weeks’. We booked into a private clinic for a scan at 10 weeks. We chose this time because we researched and read that most babies heart beats are seeable from around 6/7 weeks and we wanted to leave it as late as possible to ensure not much had changed be time we went on holiday.

I had zero bleeding and no cramping and like I had previously mentioned a lot of pregnancy symptoms. I was expecting to see a strawberry sized baby in my tummy like my app had said it would be. I’d been following it since we started and the thing we were trying to have some reassurance on was whether the babies heart beat was present and strong. However, what we did see was so far from that. We saw an empty sac. Nothing was in there.

A lot of things rushed into my head. Was my pregnancy real? Was there a possibility that there was a second sac with a baby inside? Did this private clinic have the best machine possible? Did I get my dates wrong?

The consultant explained to me that I had had a missed miscarriage, or for forum’s sake a silent miscarriage. It often happens during the early stages of pregnancy. The egg is fertilised. However, the egg either has too many chromosomes or too few chromosomes to make a healthy enough pregnancy. Instead of miscarrying with a bleed vaginally, a woman’s body can detect the not so right egg and it breaks the very tiny baby down and it secretes into the woman’s body.

It very clever I guess. But at the same time very very fucking confusing for us. Our sac measured 10 weeks plus a few days. I had got my dates right. My body was still growing a sac with no baby in. Mentally thats been the toughest thing. Were all of my symptoms the placebo effect? Was I embracing it way too much? From reading online, no the effects were not placebo. My body was still pregnant hormone wise. But baby wise I was not.

We came out of there feeling very deflated. We were confused and it was such a blur from there. For myself, I was in shock. Shock because I felt that my body had played a dirty trick on myself. Shock because everyone said everything would be fine. But it’s not. And so incredibly sad that everything we thought, is no longer. For Miles, I think men are often forgotten in the miscarriage fog. He has been just as impacted as myself through this loss. He has been incredibly sad about it all. We have cried together, we have hugged he has been amazing for all of us.

I text my friends with the news who we had excitedly told about our news before the ‘safe period’. I’m actually so glad I did tell them and my family members about our expected baby. I know there is a massive stigma about not letting people know before the 12 week period but in my head, if I miscarried I would have been confiding in them anyway. And anyways I was being positive. I thought everything was going to be fine.

For us, it was the best thing we did. My family have all been truly amazing. They have been helping with collecting with the kids from school, dropping them. My friends have been there to support me and so forth.

When we found out what happened I started to Google it all. I know everyone says you shouldn’t but I had to. I quickly found out this was common. I had heard of women miscarrying before. But not silently. And now suddenly, I am seeing it everywhere. Loads of women have DM’d me of the same experiences and although horrible, it has been a great comfort speaking to women who have been through it!

For me, the hospital gave me my options in a miscarriage booklet. I couldn’t even look at it when she handed it over. I lost it somewhere. I didn’t want anyone in the waiting room to see it. Not entirely sure why.

I waited a week to see if my sac would pass naturally, or in other words waiting to bleed it out. I did not. It was the longest wait. And it gave me extra time to google different options for medical miscarriages. Most of the women on the forums stated that they had a pessary miscarriage and it led to haemorrhaging and needing emergency operations. But I was adamant I did not want to have an invasive operation even though it was given to me as an option.

I gathered most people went online to complain about something as opposed to speaking about if something went to plan. I gathered the hospitals wouldn’t be offering this out if so many women had complications. So thats what I went for. The pessary miscarriage.

After they, the tablets were inserted, I went home and and the pain started within two hours. Initially, it really was like period pains. But then eventually it was like early labour contractions. I’d say I was quite good with pain as during both labours I’d only had gas and air for the end hour or so . But it was more painful than I read on the forums. I had back pains too.

The hospital had told us, that it was really important to find out if the sac passes because if it doesn’t you can get infections. But when you are clotting and bleeding endlessly I was unsure whether I had or not. The pain stopped around ten hours after the tablets were inserted. I left it a day and returned for a scan to ensure the sac had passed. They told me they thought it had and that it was all fine.

The following day I felt like entire crap. I slept all day and felt really dizzy and faint every time I sat up or stood up. I wasn’t sure why. But that evening I started to contract again. This time it was super painful. I couldn’t lay down. Sit down. Or anything. It continued. Until I finally I definitely passed the sac. There was no mistaking it and I instantly felt a whole lot better. When I say passed, I don’t want lie to you. It was more of a breathing in and out pushing it out like labour. It was really tough. Mentally too.

It’s been a week since I had the initial pessaries inserted. And I am still bleeding but beginning to feel a lot better than last week.

Mentally at the moment, it is feeling strange that we no longer need to do the things we thought we did to get ready for another baby. We won’t have a new baby in 2019. I wont get Miles a Happy Fathers day card from the bump in June. I can’t even open my folder that reads Pregnancy on my hard drive. That holds Miles’s and I’s video full of excitement of falling pregnant. All the things we started to mentally plan for an additional baby have just vanished. And its completely out of our control.

The things I find even more strange. I can eat parma ham. I can go on the sun bed. I can have a glass of wine. I can go on a Zip Line with Milo in the summer.

The thing I am finding difficult to understand and get my heard around is that I know it is common. As in miscarriage. Well only because Google says so. And I know I was early. In comparison to other women who sadly have full term pregnancies and their babies do not survive. I feel almost bad for feeling so sad about it. I have two children and I am fortunate already. However, I know if someone was saying this to me who had just gone through a miscarriage. I would be saying every grief is allowed and due no matter how early or late the pregnancy was.

For us, we can not even think about another pregnancy at the moment. It is so frightening for me in case it happens again. I know due to the type of miscarriage its unlikely to happen again. Also, as we have children already. It is a ripple effect. Milo’s and Oscar’s days have been a bit unusual for them and thats never nice either.

So for now, we are concentrating on Oscar, Milo and each other and our work. If this has taught me anything it is that we are so so lucky to have our children. It is the greatest gift we have ever been given.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me Miles and the children. Everyone on my Instagram, I thank you so much. Honestly. Forever grateful. If you ever need to message me. Please do. Its been the best thing speaking to other women!


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